Boys, don’t read this other than for your own comic relief because this is how we girls are. I think 10 years down the road, I will look back on this and laugh. Laugh at how stupid all this would seem. But right now, it’s quite real.

Now, let me lay some specifications for my sake and that of those around me in this time of need.

If I consider you a true friend (hopefully, the considerations are mutually returned), I…

1) Would never EVER bitch about you behind your back.
2) Might complain… Probably never, maybe a little, hardly at all.
3) Would not treat anyone else differently, based on what I hear about them second-hand.
4) Would hate to be treated as though I have wronged you, when I think I haven’t.
5) Would like to be told, if I have.
6) Might act like a little kid, just because I’m really comfortable around you.
7) Will ALWAYS mean it when I apologize. I know it’s difficult to tell when I do but if you trust what I say now, I would mostly only do so if I truly am sorry.
8) Would tell you the truth, if you ever ask, because I think it’s better than “tactful” lies.
9) So ask if you ever want to.

In case you’re wondering, Joanne, those are the reasons why through years 3 and 4, we have honestly hardly ever – closed to never – bitched about you. Even when you chopped your hair off like a boy, picked food off the floor and eat it in public, burp like the world would end tomorrow, apologized time and again after continuously dissing us, or EVEN insult OUR friends openly and uncaring-ly, knowing that they would hate us in the end because we are associated with you.

However, now you have chosen to dump all the care and concern we have poured on you, at the expense of our own dignity, for the last 2 years into the trash and completely disregard our friendship and going even further to drag others into this feud.

Because of this hostility that you’re creating out of nothing at all, your loneliness, or perhaps your belief that the world owes you a living, I think it’s safe to say that we are free to do as we please – even if that includes (and believe me, it does) treating you like a complete stranger, or how the person you really are deserves to be treated under these circumstances.

So please, don’t complain that we never acted like your friends because from where I stand now, I’m sure – and rightly so as it obviously seems – that we were the only ever REAL friends that you had and it really was a waste for you to throw it away with a few, okay, MANY, well-timed insults and curses, because for those people you call friends now? It’s most likely a one-sided relationship.

Good luck with your life.
2:11 AM